Category Archives: Funny
A friend of mine emailed a joke to me, and I just had to post it here. 😆
A brain surgeon told a patient “you have a growing mass in your brain, it needs to be tended to immediately or it will kill you”
The patient agreed to surgery the very next day.
Immediately after opening the skull the surgeon took a biopsy of the ugly growing mass and gave it to the surgical nurse with instructions to rush it to the lab and have it analyzed.
After a few minutes the nurse returned with the results and stood silently and grimly in front of the surgeon…. The surgeon finally asked….”WELL IS IT MALIGNANT?”
The nurse replied…” I’m afraid it’s worse” …” WORSE”, the surgeon barked, “WHAT CAN BE WORSE THAN MALIGNANT?”
The nurse bowed her head and replied solemnly, “it’s Liberal Progressive”…!!!
Have a happy weekend!
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6′ 2″, strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test”, that you must take before you can be accepted.
We don’t let just anyone carry our badge, son.”
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.
“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy.”When can you start?”
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
With especial love for my friend, Steve, a real cowboy at heart. 🙂
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you. ‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man. ‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. ‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the senator. ‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules. ‘
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it’s time to visit heaven. ‘So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. ‘The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. ‘So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the senator. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ‘The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning….Today you voted.’
Ha! Love this! LOL Beware the campaign promises!
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
GENERAL: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.
ROFLMAO! Now that’s a great comeback if I ever heard one! 😆
Have a great weekend, on or off the shooting range!
Re-blogged from and Thanks to: From the E-mail- Hah, best answer of the week « nebraskaenergyobserver